I'm a slow writer. I enjoy it, but I ponder every word and write dozens of drafts. Email is torture; it takes me forever to craft responses. Of course, Mom loved good writing of all kinds and always encouraged me to write; she was my biggest fan. So I decided that writing a eulogy was my responsibility and the best way to honor her memory.
I thought about what I would write for months before she passed away, but I couldn't bring myself to put a single word to paper until it was time. A few months after Mom was first diagnosed, I was struggling with nightmares and fear of what lay ahead for our family, so I went to see a counselor. Not a very good one, as it turns out, but she said one thing that really stuck with me. "Don't go there, until you're there." Meaning, don't imagine the thing you're afraid of until it's really standing there in front of you. Torturing yourself mentally won't prevent what you fear from coming true.
So I tried hard not to think about it, and I didn't write anything, but then we were there. We had so many details to pull together very fast because it was almost Christmas, and we didn't want our friends to have to choose between the funeral and their family time. So we burned the midnight oil and pulled everything together in two days: the funeral home, the music, her outfit, the obituary, and the slideshow complete with photos from every part of her life.
Then the eulogy. When I couldn't put it off any longer, and the morning of the funeral was upon us, I sat down and wrote it all in one sitting. Like Mom taught me, I built an outline first, and then just two drafts and I was done. Thankfully I saved many emails from Mom over the years; it helped to go back and read them again, hearing her voice through her words. I like to think she was collaborating with me. Reading these words now, I wish I could do a few more drafts. This version is okay, though. I think she would have liked it.
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Words for Mom
First, a bit of business. Our family is requesting that anyone who would like to honor our mother consider a donation to the new Judy Worrell Memorial Fund at the American Airlines Credit Union. It will be used to establish a scholarship for graduates of North Richland Middle School and Richland High School. Information on how to contribute is on the program.
Also, we would like to thank all of you who showed up in force when Mom was first diagnosed and who supported her throughout the last 22 months. Very special thanks to the staff of Interim Hospice, especially her physical therapist Marilee Luna and nurse Ileine O’Connell. Marilee and Ileine began caring for Mom in the summer of 2012, and they gave exactly what our family needed: good medical care, a warm hug, and a listening ear. They never gave up.
You all know that Mom was very sick for the final 22 months of her life. She surpassed the average life expectancy by many months - her sheer willpower held the end at bay for a long time. So I’ve had a lot of time on planes traveling between my home in California and my home here in Texas, and many times I found myself teary on the flight thinking about all that I will miss about Mom. Things that I wish I’d done while she was still with us to make her proud, like get a graduate degree as she did.
That said, I had 39 years with Mom, and she seemed to think I turned out pretty good. So when I stopped to think about what I did learn from Mom in all that time, I realized this award-winning teacher in the classroom passed on the right lessons to me all along the way, too.
Today I would like to share a few thoughts with you all about the life lesson plan Mom taught to me.
Life lesson #1: Love is action.
Mom had a full-time job as a teacher when I was growing up, and even so she still had a home-cooked meal at the family dinner table every night. Busy with three daughters, a husband, and even a cat, we had a lot of laundry, but our house was still decorated beautifully for every holiday, and the dining table was full of tins of homemade cookies and fudge.
Growing up, I thought everyone’s home was like that. It wasn’t until I became an adult and parent that I realized how hard that must have been. How in the world did she and Daddy do all of that and make it look so easy? I don’t remember her complaining about a long commute like I do (although she did complain about grading papers), and I don’t remember takeout dinners very often. I do remember Mom woke early and often fell asleep on the couch grading those papers. She was the last to the dinner table because she made sure everyone else had what they wanted first. She was full of energy and optimism, and she had high standards for how our family home would feel.
This is from an email she sent me a few years ago:
“...Since your dad won't be here this weekend, we may have to eat out. Won't it be nice to have a "girls' day out"! We haven't had one of those in so long! You do know that Caroline and Catherine know what a "girls' day out" is don't you? It means Grandma buys them something and we have a good time. ... We might even invite Scott. Poor fella, we don't want him to be lonely and we might need someone to carry our packages.”Mom’s love for us was generous, selfless, and all action.
Life lesson #2: A full life has equal parts work and play.
There’s no doubt that Mom worked very hard as a teacher, but others here will tell those stories. Outside the classroom, she worked and played just as hard. When we lived in New Mexico, Mom had a large garden in our backyard, and she loved working in it. She once gave me a patch of dirt and said I could grow whatever I wanted, and I chose green beans. I wanted them to be the BEST green beans, so I watered them every day and let them grow and grow…they were huge. Mom knew they were past their prime, but she still helped me snap off the ends and cheerfully ate them anyway – strings like rope and all.
After all three girls finally left home, I think Mom and Daddy initially felt some of that empty nest syndrome. They seemed to get over it fairly quickly, and they enjoyed several trips to Napa Valley and told great stories about wine dinners and the people they met. After 50 years together, they still had more fun with each other than with anyone else.
On my 30th birthday, Mom sent me this email:
“We want to wish you a happy birthday! Seems like only yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital! What are you doing for your birthday? Going out for some dinner somewhere? We are having a tasty glass of Schramsberg Cremant in your honor right now! Thanks for having a birthday!”Mom knew how to have fun.
Lesson #3: Make a difference in the life of a child.
Judging from all the emails, cards and artwork we received from Mom’s students, she made a difference in many, many lives. Of course, the biggest impact was in the lives of her daughters and grandchildren. It was pretty amazing to watch Mom transform into Grandma when her first grandbaby, Caroline, was born. She took on this new job with gusto. Alicia told me when Mom first heard that she was going to be a grandma, her response was, “Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog!”
Her enthusiasm for grandparenting had no equal, and she was happy to do whatever she could to help us. She taught her granddaughters to read in “Grandma School”, and her house is full of children’s books. I mean, we have more children’s books than most small town libraries.
When my son Macklin was born, she came to Chicago and spent one of his first weeks with us. It was the first one-on-one time I had with Mom in a long time, and she was the one to convince me motherhood was not an insurmountable challenge. She kept repeating, “You can do this.” It was a wonderful week, and I cried my eyes out when she left. She did, too. (A family with seven girls – we’re a weepy bunch.)
Later she sent me another email:
“I really enjoyed myself—just sitting there visiting with you and Charles and Macklin. I especially enjoyed loving on Macklin. He is a wonderful baby, Honey, and you and Charles are going to love having him in your life. Pretty soon you will wonder what you did with your time before he came into your life. Children make our hearts grow; mine surely has. I love that little boy like he was my own.”Take the time to make a difference in the life of a child. There’s no better investment in our future than to invest in theirs.
Undoubtedly everyone in this room has felt the impact of the last two years. Perhaps it changed your view of the world and of your place in it. It certainly did for me. I can say without reservation that I am a better wife, mother, sister, and daughter today than I was before, because of what Mom taught me throughout life, and especially in the last two years. She was the epitome of strength, determination, and love even on her worst days.
To close, I would like to ask everyone to use this experience to remember Judy’s lessons, her passion for learning and reaching high, and to honor her motto:
Start now! Stay Focused! Finish strong!
I love you, Mom.
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